Big Momma's Turd 3

2011 will once again bring us Malcolm Turner (and Martin's first trilogy) with half the title. This new one, titled BIG MOMMA'S: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON sounds eerily reminiscent of those early-mid 90's direct-to-video movies like DARKMAN: DIE DARKMAN, DIE or any of the LEPRECHAUN sequels.

I guess Fox chopped off the House because someone in the executive's office grew a brain and realized they're no longer in the house of Hattie Mae Pierce (who I'm sure is still wondering about the status of her case against the FBI for taking her likeness in Big Momma's House 2)...or, they took a note from the Fast and the Furious franchise and cut off the extra words (Fast & Furious).

Here's the synopsis:

FBI agent Malcolm Turner and his 17-year-old son, Trent, go undercover at an all-girls performing arts school after Trent witnesses a murder. Posing as Big Momma and Charmaine, they must find the murderer before he finds them.

Yes, the same Trent from the first two, played by Jascha Washington is now portrayed by Brandon T. Jackson, hot off Tropic Thunder.

Little Trent:










Big Trent:
We think Ben Stiller is rolling his eyes at Brandon T Jackson's choice to play second fiddle to Martin Lawrence. But Brandon was probably a huge Big Momma's fan and this is probably a milestone for him.

















The plot is an epic bookend to a trilogy of fart jokes, misunderstandings, lots of screaming, and low grade action.

I will tell you exactly what happens in this movie:

• Malcolm and Trent are at odds (typical stepfather-stepson conflict)
• Trent is having problems with the ladies and Malcolm will coach him to get laid (or at least a phone number)
• Faizon Love will provide the gay humor and will most likely develop a crush on Big Momma (because he's done that in so many other movies a la Money Talks with Chris Tucker)
• Max Casella is most likely the murderer (with a name like "Canetti")
  
• Expect a big performing arts set piece at the end with Big Momma and Charmaine.
  

There you have it. BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 3: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON. I mean, BIG MOMMA'S: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.

Let's just hope a fourth isn't planned.

Big Momma's Turd 2

There were so many questions raised at the end of the original Big Momma's House that a sequel was put into production in 2005. Martin's career really took off (BMH) then crashed (What's the Worst that Could Happen?), then tumbled (Black Knight), and tumbled again (National Security), then took off (Bad Boys II), then crashed yet again (Rebound), that it was time to go back to a sure thing.

Behold, Big Momma's House 2 (January 2006)...



The lack of work put into the poster (a copy and paste job from the first Big Momma's poster) should have shown us all how crappy the sequel was really going to be. But wait. This is where real questions are raised.

Martin Lawrence returns as FBI agent Malcolm Turner, a master of disguise who again goes deep undercover as the sassy septuagenarian "Big Momma." The FBI has learned that a computer software developer named Tom Fuller has created a computer virus that allows access to classified US government files, Fuller is planning to sell the virus to terrorist organizations all over the world. Upon hearing this, the FBI's best lead is Fuller's wife. So Malcolm goes undercover again as Big Momma in order to pose as Mrs. Fuller's nanny. and as always, Big Momma once again turns the house upside down.


First, to be called a master of disguise, wouldn't you have to go undercover as more than one person? Anyway. One would think the good folks at Fox would think up a decent plot. After all, there are so many Big Momma's fans out there wondering whatever happened to Malcolm Turner. Instead we get a typical ALIAS type plot. A computer geek creates a computer virus allowing organizations to access classified US government files.

Pause.

No Paul Giamatti (apparently he was killed in another Big Momma adventure, or his career took off after Sideways). Nia Long returns for five minutes worth of screen time as the now-pregnant Sherry.

Six years and all we get is a plot we'd find in a Spy Kids movie. I blame Martin. He's the executive producer and he gave his approval for this???

The biggest problem here is...

IDENTITY THEFT!!!

Malcolm goes undercover as Hattie Mae Pierce yet again. You know, the fat woman from the first movie who is somewhere in Georgia. If I were Ms. Pierce I'd sue the FBI. But we're supposed to believe that it's OK to falsely represent a real person (in the Big Momma's universe) because it's the FBI. If Malcolm truly is a master of disguise couldn't he have just gone undercover as a fat white nanny? Oh wait, the Wayans already took that idea with White Chicks. And the general public wouldn't recognize this as a Big Momma's House movie. It would have been nice for the producers/writers to acknowledge this fallacy. But they don't.

I'm not going to get into the plot which is just more fodder for Lawrence to prod around with his fake blubber in a yellow bikini and cheerleader outfit. But it pretty much takes all the seriousness of Stakeout and trades it for Super Nanny or whatever stupid reality tv nanny shows were big at the time.

Malcolm becoming a nanny makes him a better father-to-be, too. Your high school janitor could've written this movie with a few more fart and shit jokes (he'd be more of an expert on both).













The movie grossed $27 million in its opening weekend. I think it may have even nabbed 1st place in the dead of winter. That's about a little less than $1 million more than the first, showing that DVD sales of the original Big Momma made a couple of hundred more BM fans. But the movie fell fast - grossing $70 million. Nowhere near the $110 million take of the first one. Guess it's time to pack up and put Big Momma away, right? RIGHT?

Big Momma's Turd

Let's get something straight. I don't hate Martin Lawrence. I think he's very talented. I just think the projects he chooses suck worse than an amateur stand-up comic. The difference between Martin and an amateur stand-up comic is that if you give an amateur stand-up comic a movie deal, he/she will try to make it the funniest movie showcasing their talents as a comic.

Martin goes where the money tells him to. Wave a $20 million paycheck and chances are he's going to go towards a Big Mommas House sequel. Marty Marr coasts.

A third Big Momma is in production now thanks to the good folks at 20th (or is it 21st) Century Fox, spearheaded by none other than Tom Rothman who ruined the X-Men, Alien, and Predator franchises. But Big Momma's is just beyond comprehension

.

BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE (2000)

Let's go back to the year 2000 when we were supposed to be hit by the Y2k bug. That came six months later in the form of a movie, and that movie was Big Momma's House. A movie that ripped off:

• Tootsie (Dustin Hoffman)
  
• Stakeout (Richard Dreyfuss, Emilio Estevez)
  
• The Nutty Professor (Eddie Murphy)

Here is the plot synopsis:

FBI agent Malcolm Turner is going deep undercover as he disguise himself as Sherry Pierce's long-lost grandmother named Hattie Mae Pierce, aka Big Momma. And his latest assignment sends him to small-town Cartersville Georgia, where he is assigned to trap a brutal bank robber who they suspect will be coming down to visit his ex-girlfriend and her son, Trent. Now, Malcolm must somehow find a way to nab his criminal and the lady.

Sounds like a perfect vehicle for Marty Mar to show his comic chops. The film also featured Academy Award nominees Terrence Howard and pre-Sideways star Paul Giamatti (hey, everyone's gotta pay their bills) who until then was stuck in B-movie hell (Dr Dolittle, Big Fat Liar).

The movie went into production January 2000 (yes, six months prior to its release date, a formula that Fox has upheld even 10 years later) and finished probably a week before its June 2, 2000 release date.

The movie went up against Mission: Impossible 2 and landed in 2nd place with $25.6 million dollars in its opening weekend, Martin's biggest opening at the time. Who knew all it took was a fat suit to nab him a hit and ascending paychecks?

In the movie, Martin went undercover as Hattie Mae Pierce (Ella Mitchell), an actual person in the story to get closer to her great granddaughter, Sherry Pierce (Nia Long) who is the target of criminal Lester Vesco (Terrence Howard). Since it's an actual person, we're supposed to believe that the FBI has a state-of-the-art makeup department to duplicate anyone (watch out!).

Ella Mitchell as the real "Big Momma" with Paul Giamatti

So I guess we're just going to buy into the fact that Martin looks like Ella Mitchell in drag so we can enjoy the rest of the movie. So we're paying our $12 bucks to think like a retard for 90 minutes. Ok. Everyone's gotta play the sucker at least once in life.


Martin Lawrence as Malcom Turner as the fake "Big Momma"



Does the movie work? Not really. We're
supposed to suspend our disbelief in gut-
busting scenes like this one where Sherry jumps in bed with Malcolm (who she thinks is Big Momma) for comfort. Malcolm does not have his Big Momma's mask on. Sherry does not turn 180 degrees to see that it is NOT Big Momma. Because then the movie would be over.

Eventually in the end during a hilariously coordinated double dutch door comedy setpiece at a party in Big Momma's House, Big Momma returns home and outs Malcolm who nabs Lester. Malcolm testifies at Sherry's church and he gets the girl. The END.

$110 Million dollars later...